The letter impossible.

I wanted to express some emotion. I know, cliché on a blog, right? I just have been pondering a lot lately on this issue and it's making me feel somewhat worthless. Flood of emotive talk, go!

I. Hate. Relationships. I don't hate people in relationships or people having relationships. I hate that for some god damned reason I can't seem to find anyone in this world with interest in me as individual. And before some of you guys rush to defend my honor, (Thank you, btw) it's true. I have never had anyone truly express romantic interest in me, as far as I know. Sure I went on that date, but that was just more for the social factor and for the guy to be less awkward in-front of his friends. Sure I am talking to guy via a dating sight, but guess what, he wants someone older to give him sage advice on being gay. What the fuck is wrong?

Am I inadequate as an individual? Am I ugly? Am I impossible to be around? I feel like I am sociable, if not a little shy. I feel like while I don't have a six pack, I am decent to look at and have potential. I think that, and this might sound vain, but I am a funny, entertaining person who is bright and easy to talk to. Am I not? Is this just self promotion. I really don't know.

I don't understand why this has been happening to me, and really only me.(1) I mean my roommates all have had multiple relationships. Does anyone know why roommates? Two of them are so fucking awkward and socially inept that I could throw a party and they would think I was moving out. How can they have found someone, multiple someones, and I have even really had a glance.

I am not asking for responses, I know everyone who reads this appreciates me and are my true friends, and I love you. I just don't get it. I loathe myself for being such a failure. I don't know what else to do. I am at a loss and I honestly think that this situation isn't going to change anytime soon. And I hate knowing that.

Fuck!

I am sorry for this. I just want someone to notice me. It's really hard to watch everyone have someone to connect to on such a deep level and be left alone to think both light and dark. I am independent and always will be, but sometimes I don't want to be.

1. (I know some here share some of this sentiment, or have opinions regarding this. Does this correlate with your feelings?)

Love you all!

PS. Anyone else think this could be a intense monologue? Eh, eh?

Madam Satan

Just some fun images. I like Madam Satan and the mario princesses. Hope everyone is well.

Spectacular! Spectacular!

So Seattle is okay. Everyone seems to be either a bad driver or a terrible pedestrian. Including my aunt. The food is good though. I don't think I could live there with my aunt. I would go insane.

Spring Break is over, I need to do some things,

-Write my mini-thesis.

-Learn Lines

-Finish messing around with the Monologues and get sides ready for auditions.

-Stop being yanked around.

I think these are fine goals. I fear that Lighting Design is going to hit me square in the face with work. Damned Ty, luring us into a sense of false ease. Oh well.

Jamika / Zaida(I think you got it though...) - Jess and Will. Chaos is just sitting on the doorstop. At least no Sunderland in this play! Though knowing him, he probably will come to rehearsal anyways. What else does he have to do?

Alessa - Will tell. You missed an interesting night.

Rant Time~!

Mother fucking Ke$ha can go crawl into a hole. I am so ready for her to stop being popular, she is just a cheap copy of my Gaga. Tik Tok was fun for a while, and Blah, Blah, Blah is fun to say, but there is no place in this pop world for her. I reject!

Tra La La La Blah, Blah, Blah. Damnit!

Vagina Monologues

So, in light of my last post, here is happier news.

Advanced Directing Scene = The Vagina Monologues

I know awesome right. Here is my idea. I want to have four characters, O (ovary): the ingenue, V (vagina): the housewife, C (cunt): the lesbian, and G (g-spot): the temptress. I have split the scenes into somewhat of discourse between the characters with some individual monologues for each character. I am terribly excited. I also have looking through music and have came up with some songs to use for preshow and such.

List:

Queen of Hearts - Juice Newton

Heart of Glass - Blondie

Hunter - Dido

You Don't Own Me - Lesley Gore

What It Feels Like For A Girl - Madonna

One Girl Revolution - Superchick

Broken Heels -Alexandra Burke

Strong Enough - Cher

Real Girl - Mutya Buena

Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

Go Your Own Way - The Cranberries

Not all are going to be used obviously, but I like a lot them. Go Your Own Way will be the curtain call song, that is unchangable, but I want your guys opinions slash song options. I need feminist esque songs. Oui? Possible? (And no Le Tigre. I had no idea what their songs are about, I tired really, but no.

Hope you guys are doing okay. I only got a couple comments on my map. And I do it for you guys... Merp...

Status

So Dog Sees God is over. (Alessa stop reading) Thank fucking god. (Alessa begin reading again) I was very tired of being in that booth with our beloved stage manager. I mean, I like the fellow. He can be quite funny. But my god, he never needs to be in a managing position ever again. It's like giving Sunderland a lead role. Oh wait... I had to call the opening of a show because he vanished during preshow. He had open beverages near the boards, and he was allowed?!? The theatre is going downhill...

We had the cast party/Sunderland's birthday party this last Saturday night. Whole bunch of awkward. The first and second merchants decided to make it official and dance sexually, which made the abbess almost cry and the wife fume with anger. Stupid merchants. I am so tired of it all, I mean he is sort of a d-bag. I mean come on. I don't care if he looks good in a suit.

Sunderland and I are talking. Ish. Fool. Still makes me angry. Grrr.

At least I have Alessa.

Jamika! I miss you! the theatre party was nothing without you there. When can you come down again?!?

Muck, Muck, Muck.

PS: Under the Tuscan Sun is an awesome movie. And I am such a girl.

You Have Been a Bad Girl, Gaga. A Very Bad Girl. - Honey B

So yeah... Steven's not ready for sleep and bored beyond measure, so he is going to post his third blogpost of the evening. Oh wait, its morning, haha.... Here is a random factoid.

High School Musical History of Steven Richard William Stewart.

6th Grade "Lesbianism and Discovery of Music" - Sophie B. Hawkins (Lesbian Pop Singer - "Right Beside You", I just found out she did much better on the charts and was much more popular than I ever imagined. She was my idol.) Song: Right Beside You Album: Whaler

7th Grade "Coming Out through Fake Punk Girl!" Avril Lavigne (Dominated my emotions surrounding my realization of my sexuality. I was doomed to a life of frivolity and female emotion, alas! I had a whole movie planned to this album...) Song: Losing Grip (Christmas Music dominated September. I rocked out to Silent Night and such throughout middle school. Like seriously.) Album: Let Go

8th Grade "British Invasion: It Happens Once in Every Young Soul" Coldplay (I consider this my true discovery of the synthesizer. God where would I be without them? Taylor Swift loving? I shudder at that thought.) Song: Clocks (This song still makes me tingle.) Album: A Rush of Blood to the Head

9th Grade "Angst in the Land of Elves: A Gay Dork Goes Electronic Pop" The Killers (I rebelled in interesting ways, and since I thought all my friends hated The Killers for some reason, I loved them. Brandom Flowers can come and take me at anytime. Ehem!) Song: Believe Me Natalie (That album had a lot of names in the song titles, Jenny, Andy, Natalie, Mr. Brightside. Sounds like a weird breakfast club) Album: Hot Fuss

10th Grade "British Invasion Part 2: Gwyneth Paltrow is One Lucky Bitch" Coldplay (Released a new album that is still one of my favorites. I got great friends this year, so less angst, more pop.) Song: White Shadows Album: X&Y

11th Grade "Alt Insecurity and Dance Dance Revolution: Crisis of Stupidity and Bad Parenting" All American Rejects, Juliet, Hot Dance Mix 2004. (Not my best family year, but I finally started listening to actual dance music as well some electronic and alt.) Songs: Can't Take It (Rejects), New Shoes (Juliet), the first half hour of Hot Albums: Move Along, Random Order, and Hot Dance Mix 2004

12th Grade: "Happy Days in the Land of Fading Dreams and Hot Ninjas" The Killers, Enya, Tiesto (Listened and bought real bonfided dance music, went on a naturalist kick with Enya, and my favorite alt band released a new CD. All was good) Songs: Just Be (Tiesto), Shepard Moons (Enya), Read My Mind (The Killers) Albums: Just Be, Amarantine, Sam's Town

More Tomorrow! Steven Sleepy listening to Enya! Loves!

DIE-A-GRAM

So I made a map of Europe based on the different people within the theatre. I tired to the define people on their relationship as friends and such.

Alessa - Your Poland. It may sound like a slap, but it is actually a great choice. You see, I'm Polish for one. France and Poland are usually allies and France has always supported your independence and self development. Also Poland is an older European nation that went out of existence for a while, but came back with support from France, and I think that parallels to our friendship.

Jamika - I have you as Turkey, partly because you are one of the oldest non-professors in the bunch, and France and you have been close friends for a while. ;) Also knowing that you are of different racial background to us, but accepted by most everyone as a European nation. That sounded bad, but I loves you! I hope you get what I mean.

Kristina - I put you as Bulgaria because I like the city names, and I think you would too. Also you are a somewhat younger nation in Europe like the other sophomores. Also I put you as Bulgaria because you have connections to elsewhere, but are still apart of the whole and loved. And you're next to Chloe!

Bryan and Brittney - I have you being California and Washington respectively. However, you are away from our world, but stilled tied to it. Most graduates are states.

Zaida - Sorry! I just think it fits you even with you being from there. You and home isles have similar personalties I feel, beautiful, fun, grrr, and punch. Love?

I am France, cause I feel it match's my personality. If anyone would like to know why who is who, I can explain later. It makes sense, I swear.

Blah Blah Blah, I hate Ke$ha.

Here are some picture I found stumbling. I need to sleep more. Seriously.

1. Literal translation. I think it's awesome. (Oh Alessa and your sheet!)

2. I thought it was ha ha ha.

3. That's how I want to fall into a manhole. The sewer kind.

4. Mehe...

Random Update!

Dog Sees God - Alessa, you are fecking awesome. I am so happy that you were given this part, you totally deserve it, and you own it. I wish you were in Comedy, Brenna and I really need someone to hang out with. I really like Jill and Brenna in this production, both are quirky and unique in a really entertaining way. However, everyone else is sort of how they are like in real life, save Will, but there is totally some Divacarri coming out through a lot of his scenes. I don't want to watch it much anymore save for the scenes of those I mentioned, but often they have to play second fiddle to others. Sure they do funny things, but I have seen it all before. A lot. I don't need an angsty Sunderland or a high WB. Not really invigorating. Plus a certain person who sits next to me in the upper box can really shove something up his pretentious ass. My god! He is almost as angsty and bitter as Matt and CB combined with Beethoven's piano playing. Meck!

Query - So I have been talking to a boy of late, I know shocking for me right? He is young, 18, and still in high school, and I have no plans of anything. But I haven't ever received any attention from a boy, really, so I have been responding to his messages. We are running out of things to say on Facebook, and I was wondering if I should give him my number. I don't know what to do. I am just curious on opinions on this subject matter.

Hope everyone is glorious!

Picture Party Dos!

Hello everyone! Here are some more random pictures that I have found just running around on the internet. (Damn you stumbleupon!)

1. Camilla Belle - While not the greatest actress, she is pretty good and very pretty. I liked Push no matter what people say. I would cast her in something in a heart beat. She just needs the right role. Plus she can speak Portuguese. (Chris Evans in Push is delightfully yummy, and I like Dakota Fanning as pseudo-emo.)

2. Nicholas Holt - Of About A Boy fame, he is very pretty as well. I want his blue eyes to pierce my soul. Okay enough awkward.

3-6 - Just interesting images. The present and pillow ones are disturbing but intriguing? I think i stole the bacon one from someone, but I like it so yeah.

Life is good! I don't want to really give my weekend away to this show, but you guys know the joys of the theatre. Hmm... Lights suck, f.y.i.

Comedy of Errors!

Yeah I finally got cast in an official Linfield Janet directed production! I am the Courtesan in Comedy of Errors. And I have a enough lines to be a notable secondary character. I think I have a page long monologue. Woot sauce. I think this cast will be fun, if not a little dangerous with some of our more exuberant members. And I get to be dressed in drag. We will see how I do. Now Alessa and I can no longer complain about not being cast in a main-stage show here at Linfield. I know you were a tad upset about not getting called back by Janet, which I saw no reason for you not to come back, but remember you got chosen for Dog Sees God against a lot of talent, so your awesome!

Funny thing is that I will perform in drag on my birthday! It's a Sunday, but yeah!

Really excited!

I have found pictures and I want to share, if anyone cares.

Poster for Yeah Yeah Yeahs song, "Maps". I think it is the most beautiful song I have heard in a long time. I think I want this to play at my never going to happen wedding. "They don't love you like I love you." Random romantic moment.

I like the goth look on a girl, I want to design a costume that is similar to that picture. Plus it has a kitty in it. I love kitties!

Lady Gaga in the "Telephone" video. I want it to come out so bad!!! Damned delays. Friday morning, Friday morning!!!

Apparently that was a site's philosopher raptor pondering. I thought it was hilarious.

That is from my favorite song right now, Flashback, by Calvin Harris. Tis rad. And yes I used rad.

Zooey Deschanel is downright beautiful. I would probably have her babies if she asked me. If I have a celebrity female crush, it would be her. I think its the eyes. Oh blue eyes. I also like Anne Hathaway, especially this picture, but I don't want to have her babies.

I want to try to do this more, so yeah!

Everyone is Awesome

In our circle of bloggers. I love you all. Just thought you should know.

Here are some heartbeats for y'all. This is the only Lady Gaga and heartish image I could find surprisingly. I mean she has worn everything else.

LOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Matthew Sunderland. You can fucking die. I have no idea what makes you so entitled to believe what you believe about the nature of human friendships. I guess it comes from you upbringing. Your parents truly fucked up, because whatever you think is normal and acceptable behavior is just ridiculously not. I have stood by throughout these last two and half years as a blind fool, defending your stupid choices and remaining your ally when I clearly shouldn't have. You have used me as a means to mediate your anger and angst, often not caring about how I felt about the matter, and ignored everything that I have ever told you. Last semester, you were being downright annoying and disrespecting to me. So I lashed out in really the only way I had, through banning you from the dressing room. You were not welcomed by actors in the dressing room, you got in the way of our work, and were downright distasteful around people in sensitive situations. Why the fuck did you have to be backstage when you weren't doing anything for show? You were the assistant lighting designer, weren't you suppose to go watch the play? I'll admit I was bitter of against you for dropping me as your dominate male friend for Chris Forrer, but I came to realize you only used me as something to make yourself feel better.

THEN you decide to cause all hell among everyone else while not saying a word to Alessa or I. You got your way, as usual, cause apparently you're so bloody special. And then you couldn't understand why I was so angry at you? Really? REALLY? I however decided to let that slide as usual because I am meek.

Dog Sees God - You shouldn't be CB. It was a terrible choice. But whatever, not your fault I guess. However you would constantly flaunt your victory around me. You know I wanted the part more than I had ever wanted something at our stupid school. But as usual, you got what you wanted, and you made everyone know it. Why did you need take your script to the pool, when we were swimming? There was no reason you needed to learn lines around us. We were playing marco polo. Don't think that I am that stupid to not know what you were doing.

Finally the whole towel thing. I allowed you into my apartment on the basis of you not even going near Garrett's things. I thought it would be good for you to get over your irrational need to destroy him. However you are just as petty as you ever have been. You went and rubbed your penis or peed on his towel. But first you couldn't figure out which towel was his, so you took a random guess and told me that you had done it to my towel. AND THEN YOU EXPECTED ME TO BE OKAY WITH IT?!? You were a fucking douche bag and you abused my trust.

Then last night. You were not the victim. I banned you from my room because you did something truly douchy and I couldn't trust you to be a decent person over here. And then you said something petty about me being banned from your apartment, and I didn't want to spend time with you. You called Amanda and yelled at her, and she hung up. And yet your feelings have been hurt and I am destroying our friendship?

Oh no sir. I am done. I have had to carry you across oceans of hate and negativity, and for what? To be treated like a large pile of compost to be burned? I don't deserve this. Amanda, Alessa, everyone you have ever treated like this doesn't deserve this. I will admit it, and I don't care if you are offended or hurt by it. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

I am not perfect. I have been pretty douchy and self centered in my life. But nowhere as cruel and maleficent as you. I am done being your friend. I can't coddle you any longer. I have not the love or patience anymore. I use to be a better person, you have made me worse. I am done.