The letter impossible.

I wanted to express some emotion. I know, cliché on a blog, right? I just have been pondering a lot lately on this issue and it's making me feel somewhat worthless. Flood of emotive talk, go!

I. Hate. Relationships. I don't hate people in relationships or people having relationships. I hate that for some god damned reason I can't seem to find anyone in this world with interest in me as individual. And before some of you guys rush to defend my honor, (Thank you, btw) it's true. I have never had anyone truly express romantic interest in me, as far as I know. Sure I went on that date, but that was just more for the social factor and for the guy to be less awkward in-front of his friends. Sure I am talking to guy via a dating sight, but guess what, he wants someone older to give him sage advice on being gay. What the fuck is wrong?

Am I inadequate as an individual? Am I ugly? Am I impossible to be around? I feel like I am sociable, if not a little shy. I feel like while I don't have a six pack, I am decent to look at and have potential. I think that, and this might sound vain, but I am a funny, entertaining person who is bright and easy to talk to. Am I not? Is this just self promotion. I really don't know.

I don't understand why this has been happening to me, and really only me.(1) I mean my roommates all have had multiple relationships. Does anyone know why roommates? Two of them are so fucking awkward and socially inept that I could throw a party and they would think I was moving out. How can they have found someone, multiple someones, and I have even really had a glance.

I am not asking for responses, I know everyone who reads this appreciates me and are my true friends, and I love you. I just don't get it. I loathe myself for being such a failure. I don't know what else to do. I am at a loss and I honestly think that this situation isn't going to change anytime soon. And I hate knowing that.

Fuck!

I am sorry for this. I just want someone to notice me. It's really hard to watch everyone have someone to connect to on such a deep level and be left alone to think both light and dark. I am independent and always will be, but sometimes I don't want to be.

1. (I know some here share some of this sentiment, or have opinions regarding this. Does this correlate with your feelings?)

Love you all!

PS. Anyone else think this could be a intense monologue? Eh, eh?

Madam Satan

Just some fun images. I like Madam Satan and the mario princesses. Hope everyone is well.

Spectacular! Spectacular!

So Seattle is okay. Everyone seems to be either a bad driver or a terrible pedestrian. Including my aunt. The food is good though. I don't think I could live there with my aunt. I would go insane.

Spring Break is over, I need to do some things,

-Write my mini-thesis.

-Learn Lines

-Finish messing around with the Monologues and get sides ready for auditions.

-Stop being yanked around.

I think these are fine goals. I fear that Lighting Design is going to hit me square in the face with work. Damned Ty, luring us into a sense of false ease. Oh well.

Jamika / Zaida(I think you got it though...) - Jess and Will. Chaos is just sitting on the doorstop. At least no Sunderland in this play! Though knowing him, he probably will come to rehearsal anyways. What else does he have to do?

Alessa - Will tell. You missed an interesting night.

Rant Time~!

Mother fucking Ke$ha can go crawl into a hole. I am so ready for her to stop being popular, she is just a cheap copy of my Gaga. Tik Tok was fun for a while, and Blah, Blah, Blah is fun to say, but there is no place in this pop world for her. I reject!

Tra La La La Blah, Blah, Blah. Damnit!

Vagina Monologues

So, in light of my last post, here is happier news.

Advanced Directing Scene = The Vagina Monologues

I know awesome right. Here is my idea. I want to have four characters, O (ovary): the ingenue, V (vagina): the housewife, C (cunt): the lesbian, and G (g-spot): the temptress. I have split the scenes into somewhat of discourse between the characters with some individual monologues for each character. I am terribly excited. I also have looking through music and have came up with some songs to use for preshow and such.

List:

Queen of Hearts - Juice Newton

Heart of Glass - Blondie

Hunter - Dido

You Don't Own Me - Lesley Gore

What It Feels Like For A Girl - Madonna

One Girl Revolution - Superchick

Broken Heels -Alexandra Burke

Strong Enough - Cher

Real Girl - Mutya Buena

Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

Go Your Own Way - The Cranberries

Not all are going to be used obviously, but I like a lot them. Go Your Own Way will be the curtain call song, that is unchangable, but I want your guys opinions slash song options. I need feminist esque songs. Oui? Possible? (And no Le Tigre. I had no idea what their songs are about, I tired really, but no.

Hope you guys are doing okay. I only got a couple comments on my map. And I do it for you guys... Merp...

Status

So Dog Sees God is over. (Alessa stop reading) Thank fucking god. (Alessa begin reading again) I was very tired of being in that booth with our beloved stage manager. I mean, I like the fellow. He can be quite funny. But my god, he never needs to be in a managing position ever again. It's like giving Sunderland a lead role. Oh wait... I had to call the opening of a show because he vanished during preshow. He had open beverages near the boards, and he was allowed?!? The theatre is going downhill...

We had the cast party/Sunderland's birthday party this last Saturday night. Whole bunch of awkward. The first and second merchants decided to make it official and dance sexually, which made the abbess almost cry and the wife fume with anger. Stupid merchants. I am so tired of it all, I mean he is sort of a d-bag. I mean come on. I don't care if he looks good in a suit.

Sunderland and I are talking. Ish. Fool. Still makes me angry. Grrr.

At least I have Alessa.

Jamika! I miss you! the theatre party was nothing without you there. When can you come down again?!?

Muck, Muck, Muck.

PS: Under the Tuscan Sun is an awesome movie. And I am such a girl.

You Have Been a Bad Girl, Gaga. A Very Bad Girl. - Honey B

So yeah... Steven's not ready for sleep and bored beyond measure, so he is going to post his third blogpost of the evening. Oh wait, its morning, haha.... Here is a random factoid.

High School Musical History of Steven Richard William Stewart.

6th Grade "Lesbianism and Discovery of Music" - Sophie B. Hawkins (Lesbian Pop Singer - "Right Beside You", I just found out she did much better on the charts and was much more popular than I ever imagined. She was my idol.) Song: Right Beside You Album: Whaler

7th Grade "Coming Out through Fake Punk Girl!" Avril Lavigne (Dominated my emotions surrounding my realization of my sexuality. I was doomed to a life of frivolity and female emotion, alas! I had a whole movie planned to this album...) Song: Losing Grip (Christmas Music dominated September. I rocked out to Silent Night and such throughout middle school. Like seriously.) Album: Let Go

8th Grade "British Invasion: It Happens Once in Every Young Soul" Coldplay (I consider this my true discovery of the synthesizer. God where would I be without them? Taylor Swift loving? I shudder at that thought.) Song: Clocks (This song still makes me tingle.) Album: A Rush of Blood to the Head

9th Grade "Angst in the Land of Elves: A Gay Dork Goes Electronic Pop" The Killers (I rebelled in interesting ways, and since I thought all my friends hated The Killers for some reason, I loved them. Brandom Flowers can come and take me at anytime. Ehem!) Song: Believe Me Natalie (That album had a lot of names in the song titles, Jenny, Andy, Natalie, Mr. Brightside. Sounds like a weird breakfast club) Album: Hot Fuss

10th Grade "British Invasion Part 2: Gwyneth Paltrow is One Lucky Bitch" Coldplay (Released a new album that is still one of my favorites. I got great friends this year, so less angst, more pop.) Song: White Shadows Album: X&Y

11th Grade "Alt Insecurity and Dance Dance Revolution: Crisis of Stupidity and Bad Parenting" All American Rejects, Juliet, Hot Dance Mix 2004. (Not my best family year, but I finally started listening to actual dance music as well some electronic and alt.) Songs: Can't Take It (Rejects), New Shoes (Juliet), the first half hour of Hot Albums: Move Along, Random Order, and Hot Dance Mix 2004

12th Grade: "Happy Days in the Land of Fading Dreams and Hot Ninjas" The Killers, Enya, Tiesto (Listened and bought real bonfided dance music, went on a naturalist kick with Enya, and my favorite alt band released a new CD. All was good) Songs: Just Be (Tiesto), Shepard Moons (Enya), Read My Mind (The Killers) Albums: Just Be, Amarantine, Sam's Town

More Tomorrow! Steven Sleepy listening to Enya! Loves!

DIE-A-GRAM

So I made a map of Europe based on the different people within the theatre. I tired to the define people on their relationship as friends and such.

Alessa - Your Poland. It may sound like a slap, but it is actually a great choice. You see, I'm Polish for one. France and Poland are usually allies and France has always supported your independence and self development. Also Poland is an older European nation that went out of existence for a while, but came back with support from France, and I think that parallels to our friendship.

Jamika - I have you as Turkey, partly because you are one of the oldest non-professors in the bunch, and France and you have been close friends for a while. ;) Also knowing that you are of different racial background to us, but accepted by most everyone as a European nation. That sounded bad, but I loves you! I hope you get what I mean.

Kristina - I put you as Bulgaria because I like the city names, and I think you would too. Also you are a somewhat younger nation in Europe like the other sophomores. Also I put you as Bulgaria because you have connections to elsewhere, but are still apart of the whole and loved. And you're next to Chloe!

Bryan and Brittney - I have you being California and Washington respectively. However, you are away from our world, but stilled tied to it. Most graduates are states.

Zaida - Sorry! I just think it fits you even with you being from there. You and home isles have similar personalties I feel, beautiful, fun, grrr, and punch. Love?

I am France, cause I feel it match's my personality. If anyone would like to know why who is who, I can explain later. It makes sense, I swear.