I. Hate. Relationships. I don't hate people in relationships or people having relationships. I hate that for some god damned reason I can't seem to find anyone in this world with interest in me as individual. And before some of you guys rush to defend my honor, (Thank you, btw) it's true. I have never had anyone truly express romantic interest in me, as far as I know. Sure I went on that date, but that was just more for the social factor and for the guy to be less awkward in-front of his friends. Sure I am talking to guy via a dating sight, but guess what, he wants someone older to give him sage advice on being gay. What the fuck is wrong?
Am I inadequate as an individual? Am I ugly? Am I impossible to be around? I feel like I am sociable, if not a little shy. I feel like while I don't have a six pack, I am decent to look at and have potential. I think that, and this might sound vain, but I am a funny, entertaining person who is bright and easy to talk to. Am I not? Is this just self promotion. I really don't know.
I don't understand why this has been happening to me, and really only me.(1) I mean my roommates all have had multiple relationships. Does anyone know why roommates? Two of them are so fucking awkward and socially inept that I could throw a party and they would think I was moving out. How can they have found someone, multiple someones, and I have even really had a glance.
I am not asking for responses, I know everyone who reads this appreciates me and are my true friends, and I love you. I just don't get it. I loathe myself for being such a failure. I don't know what else to do. I am at a loss and I honestly think that this situation isn't going to change anytime soon. And I hate knowing that.
Fuck!
I am sorry for this. I just want someone to notice me. It's really hard to watch everyone have someone to connect to on such a deep level and be left alone to think both light and dark. I am independent and always will be, but sometimes I don't want to be.
1. (I know some here share some of this sentiment, or have opinions regarding this. Does this correlate with your feelings?)
Love you all!
PS. Anyone else think this could be a intense monologue? Eh, eh?
YOU. LIVE. IN. MCMINNVILLE.
ReplyDeleteThere is practically no chance of you meeting anyone worthwhile there, let's be honest. If you lived in Portland, you would not have posted this entry, if wouldn't have crossed your mind. There is nothing wrong with you, you just live in an incredibly inconvenient town to meet people.
You need come come to Portland, establish yourself there. Start frequenting cafes, bookstores, theatre companies and bars and you will meet people. Trust me.
What's your plan after the Mac anyways? Will you be back in Portland? Please say yes, I can't bare the thought of you in Seattle. Portland is where it's at, and there are some awesome grad programs for teacher's certs and masters degrees around.
Plus (needless to say), I am there.
Yeah, I agree with the comment above... McMinnville and Linfield. Not a lot of prospects. Also, you are funny, talented, intelligent, fun, and you are attractive. You know what's funny... I was blog stalking Timothy Stewart, my gay love, and he pretty much said ALL the exact same things you just did. So no, it's so not you. You ARE AMAZING! I don't understand either. But you don't deserve these losers who don't want to be with you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, regarding your roommates. There are WAY more gross people out there and they just tend to flock together. They know that they are never going to get someone that's actually attractive so they are forced to procreate with one another. There is a study out there that talks about how people tend to date people on their level. It's how we are programmed. We very rarely end up with someone on a higher level or lower level. So, if you are gnarly like your current roommates and all you do is hang out with other gnarly people... who else are you going to date. Plus, they are twice as lonely so they find each other quicker.
Well, what I said probably doesn't make you feel any better... but I love you and you are amazing.
I know whatever I say won't make you change the way you're feeling right now. But you basically know what I'm gonna say, especially since it's me.
ReplyDeleteI'm really in the same position you are. Except one step behind; even if it wasn't a legit "date" you still had one, and I haven't even had that. I don't even talk to guys, so...I'm even less off in this department. There's really no control over what happens and how this kind of thing turns out.
PLUS. You ARE in Mac, and going to Linfield. So. Not much variety or opportunity there.
I miss you Steven! We somehow need to keep in touch more often buddy.