Je sais.

So I had something else up, and I meant it, but I have something more, so yeah.

What I meant to do with this blog is express my frustration, not really at relationship issues in general but more at my jealously of the gays on campus who seem to have men be thrown at them. I recently learned that my former roommate got a boy friend. This is his third since coming out. I have been out for three years longer then him, and I know I was far more sure about what it meant to be a gay man well before he did. Yet I am the alone one, and he is able to samooze three guys in a limited amount of time. I don't mean to be critical of him, he is a good guy and deserves a man, it just frustrates me. I made it bigger than it was, I know.

I am... uncomfortable around men. I have limited male friends. Perhaps some of you guys have noticed that I am quite adept at the touching of the female sex. It's how I express my affection, usually the more I touch, the more comfortable I am with you and the more I enjoy being around you. I usually respect boundaries and engage in semi-appropriate behavior, and I sometimes abuse my right, but I mean it only in an affectionate way. If anyone pays really close attention, you would also notice, I never do that men. I mean never. Not even ones that I have formed close bonds that would never amount to a sensual relationship. And I also abhor being touched by others unknowingly, and even when I know, only a select group have that privilege. I don't really understand this.

You may be wondering why this matters, and why I am ranting about this? I think its why I don't engage with men in general save for the exceptions that I have built up the courage and stamina to handle. I think this is why I haven't found someone. I know everyone has been talking about how McMinnville is the crap hole for finding partners, and while I agree, there are people here. I could have tried more to be in Portland. I mean, I went to the most liberal high school in Portland, and yes even though I was an awkward kid, I am sure I could have found something. I had great friends who would have prevented the stigma and would have supported me.

I look at my male friends, and I sigh. I can list them all, and not just casual class going comrades. As of current, I would say; Matt, and the Chris' are my available male friends. Before this year, I would have added Jesse, Bryan, and occasionally the elder Matt. But apparently, Jesse and I were just really convenient and compatible roommates who held no basis for retaining our friendship beyond our mutual female friends, Bryan is off in Korea, and Matt is austere in the way that he handles his friendships. My current list is intriguing in its nature because, lets face it, they are oft effeminate men, no matter how they try to hide it. I have always been friends with the men who sort of acted like girls in the way in which they approached the world and their conflicts in that world.

Sorry for the downpour of emotion and personal mental conflict. Life right now is actually going really well. The play is a hoot, and I am really excited about Vagina monologues. I have amazing people around me. You guys are truly wonderful and I am blessed, not matter where you are or what you are doing, to have you in my life. I just feel like something is missing.

Thanks for listening. I have written so many things this last month, it's ridiculous.

PS:

Zaida: I know, you were the exception to my rule. Tu comprehends. Bother me more. I suck at phone conversationals. People can tell about that. Plus I wish you could be here so we would have a majority in our class and vote Sunderland off the island. Right now, we don't have a majority vote.

Kristina: Smooh. You should dumb down your writing a bit. I feel like I am reading a piece for a Kernberger class. I kid, I kid. Never stop being high minded and articulate. Miss your bod.

Alessa: Keep trunking Gunther. I see you all the time, give you insipiring comment in person, y'a lucky bitch. :)

Emily: I miss your European trotting face. I feel like I need to come kick some froppy French man's ass. First and last time that will be said.

Jamika: What you doing? Haven't heard from you. Lame.

Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.