So I probably had the worst audition experience I have ever had. I wasn't even called back. I mean I am almost never cast in anything of worth, but I am almost always called back. That really burned. I haven't been so disappointed with an audition in my life. I wanted CB so bad. I release I probably had a bad audition, I typically do better with a second audition night, but I didn't think I did that bad. And to top it off, he got the role. The one person I didn't want to get it. Am I suppose to be happy for him? It's not like he took it away from me, but really, him?
I feel like I am always second class. The one time I thought I could get a role, I fucking failed, horribly. I spent the entire night feeling rejected and I looked back at myself, and saw all the points when I have been rejected in my life. I couldn't sleep. I haven't ever really felt like that. And the thing is, it was him who got it. I mean he gets tossed around a lot verbally, but he is allowed to do so much, not go to class, not do homework, not be a decent person, yet he still is the favorite, the one who gets the roles, the better grades, the privileges. I don't get it at all.
The worst thing about this entire situation is having to hear everyone talk about it with me around, even with them knowing my feelings about it. It was just mean.
I want someone. I am so tired of being alone. Everyone who has been in relationship has told me you don't know what your missing so your better off. Your terrible liars, you know. I obviously have never really had anyone interested in me. There is a reason that all my friends are girls, or too effeminate to date. I am fairly certain that I will remain single for the most of my life, and realizing that is sort of crushing.
Pretty much, I hate life right now. I haven't really hated life before, even after my Grandma died, I still had hope for better times. I don't have that right now. I miss her, she always so supportive, no matter, what. I knew she unconditionally loved me. I don't know that with my other relatives save for my siblings, but were just so different from each other...
I am sorry for the rant. You guys are great to me all the time. I cherish you all, and I am not talking about you.
Sorry Alessa. You did great and you deserve this. Your going to have a great time, and your going to be wondrous, I just know it. You should ignore this blog. BE HAPPY! PS. You and Jamika are saving me this semester.
Zaida- Why are you not here!? I know, it's not your choice, but god sometimes...
I don't like being sad. I usually able to shut off mind from my problems. What is wrong with me? Fucking Katie Karen.
(Lady Gaga's Fame Monster comes out next week, that is the highlight of this month by far.)
Loves, I think.
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Aw, wow... your blog made me cry. I really honest to god understand about the audition piece. I really do. And thank you for the little side comment. I kinda thought you were mad at me because I got the part... I hated thinking that. I am sorry if I seemed weird in class then... I just didn't like thinking you were mad at me.
ReplyDeleteI really hope things start to look up for you. And if it helps, I love you unconditionally. You know, like a really good friend or brother sort of unconditional love.
And I did think you had a good audition. I am not sure what Jay saw in him... he will learn quickly come rehearsal time how AWFUL you know who is. But, at least you don't have to kiss him... apparently he asked Will if he would practice kissing with him... Will said, why don't you find a girl to do that with... Well, we all know why.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEE..... P.S. You're my favorite!
I love you Steven. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay. I realized I need/wanted to write more. :P
ReplyDeleteEven from just those few days up there, I could tell how much you wanted that role. And Alessa is right, soon all of Sunders' flaws will unravel and the director will realize how unbearable it is to work with him.
I know I'm not there (which I hate not being there!) so I probably don't know how everyone's been acting and talking about the casting, but try not to take this stuff that personal. I used to, and that was no good. If I could teleport to be there and hate the world along with you, I would. You know that. :]
And even though this isn't all that comforting, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in our group that is in the same boat as you, as far as relationships go. I hate being the only one that doesn't know what being with someone is like. And although this doesn't change anything or really make it better, I do understand you on this.
Steven, my love, I'm sorry you're so down. I don't like it, I understand, though.
ReplyDeleteI know you really wanted that role, too. I hope you get one soon. You deserve one--not just because you're a theatre student, or because you've put in time in other aspects of the theatre, but because you're a great actor. And I'm not just saying that.
Alessa and Zaida already said it, the director will see him for who he is soon enough. Everyone else in the cast already does. I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, but it's the truth.
You're a great guy; it sucks that Linfield is such a crappy place for dating. I know it's a ways off, but I'm sure once you're out of the Linfield bubble, things will happen for you. Being here just kind of makes most of us decent people feel self-conscious, because we have standards. But, don't lower your standards...even if they're not high--don't settle. You deserve a great guy and I have no doubt that it'll happen.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm just blowing smoke, because I really mean it.
Don't let this place and it's people get you down.
I love you :)